Dear Philippa,

 

Hearing aid-sporting men everywhere were stunned and alarmed by reports by UK research findings published in the ENT journal The Laryngoscope linking hearing loss to consumption of Viagra, the little blue pill invented by those clever Americans to boost their fading stamina. Bootleg supplies quickly found their way across the Atlantic, concealed in the briefcases of jaded British businessmen with $8 a pill to spare. The rest is history, but not all of it stimulating according to researchers at London’s Charing Cross Hospital who were quickly on the case. Early hearing loss has often been attributed to frequent transatlantic flights, and now we know why.

 

It seems that the hearing loss can be temporary, or it can be permanent. It can afflict both ears, or just the one. So that narrows things down.

 

As one who wears silver prawn-like devices tucked behind the ears I understand only too well the concerns of the “innocent deaf”, who until these findings could pass unremarked as they sloped round the shops looking for bargains. Now they are in danger of being stalked, followed home even, by unhappy housewives who, having spotted the nifty devices behind the ear, draw faulty conclusions and see them as alluring signals, see a causal connection where none exists – necessarily.

 

What is to be done? My solution is simple. The “innocent deaf” should continue to be issued with the silver jobbies, but the pill-popping jet-setters should be obliged instead to wear models coloured Viagra blue, a modern mark of Cain, that will clearly distinguish them from the shy merely deaf. But I fear that such a strategy would be denounced as stigmatising, a violation of someone’s human rights. But whose?

 

If you see a group of old guys conducting a shouted conversation outside Waitrose you can be sure that they have plenty of air miles and an optimistic view of what lies ahead. Outside Morrison’s they will have the anxious, haunted look of men who have never been further than Bridlington on an East Yorkshire bus and a fear of flying. I think the RIND should be all over this problem.

 

Best wishes,

 

Howard